This song, like many of the others I have written recently, draws numerous parallels between different elements of weather and the changing seasons, to my own personal anxiety and aversion to the traditional "dating relationship" not to mention it's effects on myself and the majority of the human populus.
I liken the cyclical nature of:
to the changing seasons. I, personally, am a fan of colder weather. So naturally when I feel the humidity and harsh heat of the spring/summer seasons coming along, it fills me with anxiety and an underlying feeling of dread. The same could be said of any "seasons" within the relationship cycle. I have grown so weary and indifferent to this general model and this song is an expression of that frustration.
I seem to be in an ongoing conversation with my married friends, (from here on out we will just refer to them as 'happies' [see 'yuppies']) that is essentially me expressing my overthought rationale for doing a certain thing, and then them spewing some two cent cliche from the 'Boy Meets World' era of "Awwww" television moments in my face. The happies hate when us sad single folk start harshing their mellow, so they have a response preprogrammed for anything that even remotely points to the fact that the pursuit of a relationship is actually significantly harder for some people than it is for others. The lines in quotes in the song are exaggerated examples of the type of statements I encounter. Here's the thing I have realized about this exchange: Sure, the happies are dead wrong, but so am I.
When I feel one of the "seasons" coming on, I tend to make extremely foolish decisions based purely on my desire for companionship and innate need to restore faith in the traditional model of the relationship. That is a battle I am fighting for a nation of which I no longer pledge my allegiance. I recently got to a point where I realized I was participating in this ritualistic cycle that I don't even really want to be a part of at this point in my life.
The song goes on to say "When I slow down to catch my breath
My vision clears and I can see that I am the only thing I have left"
Waking up one day and realizing that all I have really done for the past decade is participate in this cycle and make all my decisions based on what would make someone else happy, rather than myself, was a very painful but important revelation. Regardless of the fact that my personal interests were never served in the long run, it was still a very selfish pursuit, but in all of the wrong ways. In the process I have alienated, disregarded and lied to my friends, family, and myself with little more to show for it than this song and a lot of baggage.
The countless sets of circumstances between my teenage years and today have been a learning experience, but at great cost. I certainly do regret the individual decisions I have made along the way and how they have affected other people. However, I honestly do believe that I am on the way to becoming a better version of myself as a result.
The last bit of the song can be a little confusing I think for anyone but me. To clarify, in
"Put all my faith in the words that you said, trusting so easy I'll soon end up dead. I'm starting to think that I'm better off moving on."
'You' references the internal impulse that I and many other people have to seek out companionship as a personified character.
At first read/listen, this song probably appears to have been bitterly written towards a certain person or a particular set of circumstances. I am not going to tell you that it didn't start off as an expression of those frustrations, but what it has transformed into is something truly remarkable that has changed the way that I will view things forever. As for you, happies, you know who you are. You got lucky and I am happy for you.
I love you, but your advice is stupid.
With all of that being said:
I am not 'moving on' from love.
I am 'moving on' from being a slave to the idea of love.
I am 'moving on' from ignoring what I deserve.
I am 'moving on' from being a fool just to have someone to hold.
I am 'moving on' from refusing to learn from my mistakes,
and last but certainly not least,
I am 'moving on' from compromising.
Thickness [is] in the air and I can feel it, filling me inside, reminding me [that] the heat will soon overcome all I am.
"When being alone is all that you know
You forget how to swim, forget how to float"
"If you can't live with yourself then how could you ever know how to love?"
When winter is but a memory
I'll "grab the hand of the one I've kept close to me"
"set aside ambivalence" and "disregard the consequences of trust."
Sight may insist that all hell would persist
"Clarity finds us only after the fear of heartbreak subsides"
When I slow down to catch my breath
My vision clears and I can see that I am the only thing I have left
Regret is a voice that can't be silenced
Blindness ends with retrospect, sight that would make any man
beg to be blind again, free from the notion that this could have all been avoided
I would give anything to go back
and put back the pieces that I now lack
Selfish reactions and countless distractions
I'm still myself but it's only a fraction
Put all my faith in the words that you said
Trusting so easy I'll soon end up dead
I'm starting to think that I'm better off
I'm better off
released 25 November 2013
Music by Jacob Lawter, Parker Byrd, Caleb Allgood, and Brannon Crumpton
Lyrics by Jacob Lawter
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